One in a Million

I’m just gonna say it… I hate New Year’s resolutions. I have no idea why, but I always have. Probably because most people’s resolutions relate to fitness and the gym gets miserably busy in January every year. It ruins my routine and throws off my flow, but that is beside the point lol.  The main problem I have with resolutions is that they fizzle out. In my 25 years of life, I have never heard someone get to the end of the year and is still following through. Most don’t even remember what their resolution was. A resolution is hard to sustain for a whole year.

So instead of a resolution, I started picking a word for the year. A word that sums up something I struggle with. A word to live by. A word that grows me.

The word I picked for 2022 is contentment.

First, let me explain what kind of contentment I am pursuing. I think that contentment is highly misunderstood in our culture. Contentment is biblical. Our society has adopted a practice of seeking the next best thing. “You should never settle for where you’re at.” “You can always be better, do better, earn more, climb the ladder of success.”

But the Bible talks many times of contentment. Contentment in the view of being satisfied where God has you. With what God has given you. With the trials and weakness God has ordained for you to face.  

While Paul is in prison, he says in Philippians 4:11-12, “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.”

He is content when he is in PRISON. He literally has NOTHING. He is content because he has God. Not God AND xyz. God. Period.

Paul also wrote to Timothy, teaching him the greatest lessons of the Christian faith. “But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.” 1 Timothy 6:6-8

Nothing. NOTHING. We will literally take nothing with us. So why am I so concerned with what I will have on this Earth?

Guess who.. PAUL also wrote in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 “And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness” …Therefore I am  content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I don’t know about you, but I tend to not be very content in persecution. I don’t like the hard. I don’t like suffering. I don’t like having weakness.

This is the contentment I seek. Not apathetic contentment. But contentment that trusts that God has it figured out and its all for His kingdom.

So, here is why I picked to work on being content this year.

What’s next?

That’s a question that never leaves my head.

I graduated high school. What’s next? College. What’s next? Grad school. What’s next? Get a job. What’s next? Get married. What’s next? Buy a house. What’s next? Have kids.

It never ends. I have always been a forward thinker who has a 5 year plan… but what happens is I continually rush it because I am always pursuing what’s next. I forget to live today because I am already wrapped up in my tomorrow’s.

There’s nothing wrong with being prepared, right? Right… to an extent. The problem I have found with this is that I am constantly missing the present. I can’t sit and enjoy the moment that God has me in.

Every stage there is something good about. But so far I have missed it all. My college years were overcome by anxiety from my need to be perfect. Now I look back and miss those days. The days of freedom. Days of only having class 2-3 hours a day. Having a month off at Christmas and a whole summer to enjoy.

I struggled when I started the real world. The days became so monotonous. Wake up, go to work, cook dinner, go to sleep. Repeat. I really became stuck in the “what is actually next?” There wasn’t another task ahead to “achieve.” What was there to look forward to now? Retirement?

I feel like I am never “content” with where I am at in life because I am always looking at what’s next. I am always trying to control the uncertainties in life because I am not comfortable sitting in the unknowns.

Just ask my husband… I have been REALLY bad in the last month. We are in such a… I don’t even know how to describe the stage of life we are in. I am watching everyone else our age buy houses and have kids. When both of us are just finishing up our degrees. I have had SIGNIFICANT anxiety about feeling like we are “falling behind” in life.

Graham just finished his physician’s assistant degree and is getting ready to take his boards exam (YAY)! But we have no idea where he will get a job. Where will we need to move to? What is the market going to be like to buy a house? How much work will we need to do? When will we have kids? Who will babysit our kids? Will I work full time or part time? Where will our kids go to school? Will the timing work out perfectly like in my head? Will everything go just as planned?

Are you stressed from my stress? Okay well welcome to my head literally every moment of every day.

I know that’s no way to live life. But I have been so overcome by all the unknowns. I have been planning a detailed dream life in my head that I KNOW will never happen. Will I initially be disappointed when things don’t go according to my plan? Probably.

A mentor told me something recently I will never forget: “There is one thing guaranteed in life. You were born so you are going to die. But, its what you do in between that counts.”

I recently had a big job decision to make. I was conflicted between what path I wanted to take with my career. As I was stressing about what the “right” decision was, I listened to a sermon that clarified that for me. But it also spoke to my current situation.

“What if the walls you built up, you thought were to protect you- were actually holding you prisoner. But once you let the anxieties of your control break down- there is new life being planted by God on the outside of your walls. You can’t see the sprouts over the walls. You have to let YOUR walls crumble so you can see the beauty God has waiting for you. His plan is always more beautiful than your own.”

Here I am living my days in anxiety about the unknown. Trying to figure out what God has already figured out for me.

Did you hear that… What God ALREADY HAS FIGURED OUT.

I know what I think the best plan for my life is… But do you know what I also know? That God’s plan is always better than mine. That he will not give Graham a job that he is not meant to have. He will not give us a house that we were not meant to live in. He will not give us babies before He knows we are ready.

God knows what patients he has designed for Graham to touch, and vice versa. God knows what neighbors he has designed for us to have. God knows who he has designed to watch our babies, and what work schedule will be best for our family. God knows exactly how our children will be used in His kingdom, and He will deliver them in the specific time He has planned to use them. Nothing will happen that God has not ordained to happen.  

So what really is next? I don’t know… but this year, I am going to be CONTENT in that. Some things are for God to know and us to trust that His timing is best. That His plan is best.

Here is to having a heart that is content where I am in 2022. Contentment with the unknowns. Contentment with the uncomfortable. Contentment with the change. Contentment with God’s plan. My ears are listening and my heart is open for where He leads.