One in a Million

Have you ever taken someone or a specific time in your life for granted? Not appreciated something or someone fully until you don’t have it anymore?

I think I subconsciously knew, but I didn’t KNOW until my dad was in a coma and I was left desperately wanting all of his quirks back. All of the times I was so mad at him and pouted about chores he made me do. All of the times I “just wish he was like other dads” and let me be free to go where I wanted. I was left in awe of the life that I had lived the last 25 years and the watchful protection my dad had over me as a good father should.

I missed every Sunday morning when he would say “oh man you shoulda heard John Hagee’s sermon this morning.”

Or when he would text me it was foggy out or the roads were slick so he didn’t want me driving.

Or when he would spend hours on Zillow searching the whole area for a good house to fix up for Graham and I.

Or when he would literally do a background check and find the address of the guy we liked.

Or when he would make us come out and pick up all the trimmings from the bushes he touched up… but we had to do it slowly so we didn’t pick up the rocks with the leaves.

Or when he would plan AWESOME road trips.. but makes us wake up 2 hours before the crack of dawn to get on the road.

Or when he would ask me almost every time he called me, how the oil in my car was.

Or when he would tell us to clean our car but ended up showing us how to do it “the best way.” Every. Single. Time. Lol.

I took for granted a dad who did it all. I took for granted a dad who protected my innocent soul and prayerful placed boundaries for me that I didn’t like then, but so deeply appreciate now. But most of all I took for granted a Heavenly Father who blessed me with the absolute best family and an overall flawless life.

How blessed were we that when we went home the first night without him with us, our concerns were who is going to open jars for us? Who is going to mow the yard? Who is going to change out lightbulbs? Or remind us to check our oil? Or make a mean pot of chili?

On that first night home, I was dwelling on the fact that it had been a whole day since I talked to my dad. What if we had our last conversation?

As I laid awake all night, I felt God pressing me saying, “Kenidi, you can’t take one day separated from talking to your dad. How do you think I feel when you go a whole day without talking to me? I sent my son to die for you- the ultimate sacrifice of a Father… that’s how much I love you. But you don’t seem this heartbroken after not talking to me.”

I was reading the book by Priscilla Shrier this week that actually inspired the name and theme of this blog. It made me think back to the times where we were old enough that mom and dad would leave to take a little trip. They would always bring back a little gift for us. We loved the independence of staying home, the 3 of us without our parents… and while we were excited for them to get home we were even more excited to see what gifts they brought us.

Very similarly, I always looked to God more for the gifts he could give me instead of desiring a true intimate relationship with Him. God desires children who want Him more than they want the gifts He can give them.

God delivered the Israelites from Egypt with plans to give them the Promised Land. A land flowing with milk and honey. With His best. But he didn’t bring them out of slavery just to shower them with blessings. He brought them out so that He might bring them unto himself.

But, he made them travel through the wilderness first to test their devotion to Him to see who was in it for the gifts and who was in it for Him. They had been “following” him since they were delivered from Egypt. They had seen His miraculous provision along the journey through the wilderness, and they had heard the words of God from Moses. But, God brought them to Mount Sinai so that they would have a chance to HEAR God’s voice and SEE His works.

Sinai is where divine intimacy with God would occur for the Israelites. But the interesting thing was that Mount Sinai was the furthest distance geographically from the Promised Land… from their desired destination.

The Promised Land, “Canaan,” was the external blessing. Sinai was the internal blessing. And the two were the separated by the greatest distance. They were nowhere near each other. “God knew that the blessings of Canaan might blind His people to the priority of relationship with Him. So he led them in the opposite direction first to secure their loyalty.”

It wasn’t until God let them hit rock bottom until they were ready to be called to full commitment to him.

Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom, being in the worst point in your life- to see and hear the Lord. And I found this to be true in my own life this year. But the good part? God led me to Sinai.

God made the Israelites walk through the wilderness on foot, flea from Pharaoh, fight their enemies off, and starve for 3 months because He knew only after going through hardship, that they would be prepared for the blessings he had. It had to be in that timing in that order. It was God’s chosen time and place for his people.

“The great work God wants to do in our hearts- obtaining intimacy and fellowship with the Lover of our souls, refining our passions, and steering them toward Himself- often happens at the farthest possible point from where we think our greatest blessings are coming from.”

It happens at Sinai.

When we were told dad was probably not going to survive his illness, God positioned me right in front of Sinai- miles from everything I thought abundant life was supposed to be like. But God met me in that place in a new way than I had ever experienced. For the first time, I desired to give everything to God – even the things I clung so tightly to that I thought I could control just fine on my own.

In my head, my Promised Land looked extremely different. Looking back- my life was so perfect I thought I had already reached my Promised Land. But in that moment, in my extreme brokenness, I felt a nearness to God that was so palpable it was like He is literally holding me when I didn’t have the strength to stand. THAT was when my Promised Land living begun. I no longer wanted God’s gifts – I just wanted God.

Every wilderness has a Sinai moment. That’s the purpose behind the wilderness journey. The Israelites just wanted to get to the Promised Land. They were not happy when Moses told them they had to camp out around Sinai. But it was necessary. They pitched a tent and they camped in the wilderness.

I like immediate answers. I don’t like uncertainty or the unknowns. It’s been a part of my journey that my anxiety and control stems from. But for the first time in my life – I pitched a tent in the wilderness to camp our for however long God planned for me to be there. I didn’t want to get comfortable in the wilderness – but I did. Being camped at that Sinai moment, for me, turned out to be better than my comfy old life I was once living.

“You are far better protected in the wilderness at Sinai with God, than someplace else without Him.”

So I committed to upacking my bags and camping out in the wilderness. I wanted to stay here until God completely transformed my heart to wanting Him and only Him. To feel His presence and only His presence when I am in the darkness. I wanted to be held in the arms of my loving Father, close, not at arms length.

“So sometimes when we fall short, our tenacious, pursuing God- unwilling to leave us dangling at arm’s length- leads us by His well disguised mercy to Sinai, where we come face to face with who He is and what He’s done. Where we realize again that there’s no substitute for seeing personal holiness become the actual way our average day plays out.”

God knows me. My weaknesses. My imperfections. My ugly, sinful heart. My selfish desires. He knows I fail Him daily. Yet, he pursues me daily. He offers me abundant living with him daily. Without condition. What a God we serve!!

I pray that my heart never forgets what I experienced in “Sinai.” I pray that I never lose the feeling of watching miraculous physical healing to my dad and a complete spiritual transformation of my soul. “Sinai” has made me a more complete person. More grateful. More awestruck. More patient. More confident in sovereignty. More wholly His.

“I will lift my eyes to the mountains; from where shall my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip, he who keeps you will not slumber.” Psalm 121:1-3