One in a Million

Its been awhile! I just logged back into my blog account and realized that I haven’t written anything since July… It was never my intention to give it up for that long, but when I started the blog I made sure to promise myself it wasn’t something I would put pressure on myself to deliver within a certain time frame.

To be honest, the last 6 months have been WILD. So I thought I would catch y’all up on what life has looked like and share all my “excuses” for my absence lol.

Also, on a more serious note, I have been doing A LOT of reflecting on this last year of life. I shared in a post this time last year about my “word” for 2022 so I want to be honest with my reflection of how I did with that as well as share my “word” and some goals for 2023!

Last year this time Graham and I were in such a limbo transition phase. We has SO many unknowns and everyone who knows me, knows that the unknown is not something I do very well with… at all. I like to have a clear plan and timeline for how things should occur.

Ergo Kenidi’s plan for 2022:

Last January, Graham had just graduated. He was set to take boards in the middle of the month.

We were living with my in-laws at the time to save money to buy a house. Once Graham got a job (I suspected by mid-February) we would get our pre-approval and find a house by March, maybe April.

Around that time I wanted to be pregnant because that would make my due date mid-November – right before the holidays so I could spend them at home with family and the new babe… in our perfect little new house.

Sounds great, right?

Ergo God’s plan for 2022:

We found out while in Florida on vacation that Graham had missed the passing score by maybe 2-3 questions so he had to wait 90 days to retake the exam. God love him, he is the hardest working most determined man alive. He sat right there, didn’t make excuses or dwell in it – but turned around and booked his next test date immediately.

I however, dwelt in it… BUT, I tried to justify just going ahead with my plan anyway. So we moved forward with getting a pre-approval. We just knew this meant we would have to by something that we needed to put some work into.

Turns out it was a really bad time to buy a house too. We saw house after house go on and leave the market within the same hour. I learned very quickly to not get my hopes up because I was living in an utter state of disappointment.

But nonetheless, I still wanted to grow our family. The rest would come when it came (see, progress!) My birthday rolled around in March and I found out I was pregnant. We were SO excited!! It made all the other things miniscule in importance because we knew God would just “work it out.”

Well, everyone knows how this turned out. (If you missed it, you can read my previous blog post “Even then, God is still good”). It’s still hard for me to go back to that time and relive the rawness of the emotions I went through. I felt like I had hit absolute rock bottom.

So I will take an intermission to reflect on how I did with my word for 2022 “Contentment” during the first 5 months of the year.

Well just typing this out, it appears not so good. Despite my best efforts to be content in whatever circumstance God placed me in, I still struggled with controlling my own outcomes. BUT, with each new event, I felt God cut down my shackles of control so I could truly lay it all at his feet. Turns out, I had no other choice at that point if I wanted to escape the bondage I had placed myself in.

After my miscarriage, I spent a lot of time healing and crying out to God. I made a choice at that point to give it all to Him. To live in true contentment with where we were at… even if it was the complete opposite of where I PLANNED for us to be at that point.

SOOOOOOO now to catch you up on the last 6 months!

After I let go control of MY PLAN… God showed me why his plan is ALWAYS better. Can I just say he ALWAYS provides? Every time I look back on the series of events from the last year, I get so disappointed at myself for every questioning God’s plan.

At the end of April – early May, Graham started working for a short term project at St. Rita’s while he waited to retake his exam. This was just something to keep him in routine that a friend has mentioned to him… not meant to turn into anything more.

Well Mr. Personality made a great impression (as always) and the recruiters started to come visit him when they found out he was a PA. Before he even retook his boards, he had his dream job all set up. Now I know this adds pressure… but I looked at it as the farmer who prepared his fields in the drought, believing God would deliver the rain. And God delivered because the farmer was a good steward in preparing his resources. We trusted in God’s plan by preparing the fields.

Flashforward 6 months… (I am going to brag here for a second) Graham started his job in August and is EXCELLING. He has only been there a few short months and is already the go to for the doctors, the one everyone comes to for questions and to manage the difficulty cases. AND has already been offered the promotion to become their surgical PA. PROUD WIFE MOMENT. I just think how things would have turned out in MY plan. Would he be at a job that fulfilled him like this one does?? Probably not. God’s plan was worth the wait.

At the same time Graham retook his boards, my patient in casual conversation tells me he is selling his house. This house was 4 minutes away from my work, 6 houses down from our best friends, and close to the south end highway for easy access for Graham to travel to Lima. AND UNDER BUDGET. What a blessing we found when we placed our trust in God’s timing.

Well homeownership hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows – but now sitting in a fully renovated home, I just look at every inch and count EVERY. SINGLE. BLESSING. We continued to live with my in-laws for 4 more months while we renovated almost every square inch which was such a gift to be able to have a work zone and not have to figure out how to live in the mess. My dad, father-in law, and some family and friends were such a blessing to us, I have no words to describe how much their help meant to us. We did not have to pay a penny for labor – just a lot of blood, sweat, and TEARS hahaha. It makes the beauty even more real now when I look around and remember the memories that were created, the late nights, and the people we have around us that love us unconditionally. And through each stage, we didn’t know if we would have the resources to do the next project… but God provided in his timing (this I admit, I did not always live contently in the waiting).

Through all of this, my mind stayed very occupied on the projects and work to be done. But in the back of my mind, I always walked into one room in the house and prayed over it before I would leave. The nursery. I had my mind set when we moved in, I would not put anything in this room. It was my field I was preparing for rain. I was trusting that if I nurtured this space in prayer, God would send what was designed to fulfill that space. A sweet little baby.

But instead of planning for “the perfect timing,” this time I let God decide when that timing was. We started to move everything over labor day weekend and the day I was finishing some last touch ups… I took a test. I couldn’t believe it. I was PREGNANT.

I always dreamed what that moment would be like the second time around. Would I be scared? Would I live in fear? Those definitely came… but in that moment, I wept. I sat in the empty nursery with that pregnancy test and could not get over God’s goodness. Why after how much I questioned him this entire year, would he continue to bless me time and time again? It wasn’t because I was faithful. It was because he is a GOOD GOOD FATHER and HE CAN.

Shortly after we got moved in – I got terribly sick for the next 3-4 months (basically the rest of the year). All remaining projects got put on hold because I could barely function to make it through work, let alone accomplish anything after that. And therefore, is part of the reason you haven’t heard from me in so long lol.

But this time, I had a different mindset. Trust me, I had days I was so miserable I complained in my head all day. But each complaint was reframed as I remembered this is my comfort that things are hopefully okay this time. A good friend and mentor said, don’t pray to make it through the day. Just pray to make it through each hour. That way you stay in constant communication with God and remember what a blessing this is.

NOW this brings me to my word for this year and some goals I have prayed deeply over the last week.

I still can’t get over how drastically different Graham and I’s life is at this moment compared to where we were last year. I remember sitting on the couch typing my blog post for “Contentment,” praying for this season of life to come. I am currently sitting in tears for the 5^th day in a row, feeling such gratitude that God brought us here- not in the fashion I had picked out, not unscathed by hard times, but in the perfect scenario to show his absolute goodness, grace, and mercy for us.

So when picking out a word for this year, I wanted to reflect on some regrets and struggles I had from this last year (plenty to choose from for sure). And the word I settled on is…..

PRESENT.

As in “to be present.”

Being present is something I have always struggled with. I always want the next thing – to go to college, to graduate college, to get a job, to have money, to buy a house, to have kids, to raise kids, to be empty nesters, to retire, to live happily every after.

I learned the hard way this year that isn’t always how life goes. And sometimes it is… but when you get to each “next” stage – you look back and regret not appreciating the PRESENT.

I look back at college and wish I had appreciated the simplicity of life more. Adulting is hard and I don’t know why I ever wished away the most care free time of my life lol.

During this last year, I didn’t fully appreciate the moments when I had them. We took our last roadtrip as a family this past year. And every moment, I was looking forward to the next destination… but before I knew it, it was over.

During our renovations, I just wanted them to be done – I didn’t thank all the people who poured their time, love, and resources into our home.

And most of all, during this pregnancy, I have failed to enjoy the little moments. It’s hard work growing a human. Some women are just designed to be pregnant- they LOVE it. I am not one of them lol. I would love to say that I have lived in complete trust of God this entire time… but that would be a lie. Satan has had his moments, about every 2-3 weeks he will penetrate me with crippling fear. I will feel something new. A cramp. A pain. Am I having another miscarriage? And my mind is running rampant in fear until my next appointment where I hear the heartbeat. So I live in this cycle where I rush every 4 weeks until I can know everything is still okay.

This realization set a new fear in me…. That I would wish away every special moment with my baby boy.

I cant wait until he sleeps through the night.

I cant wait until he eats solid food.

I cant wait until he can sit up and interact more.

I can’t wait until he can run around and throw a ball with Graham.

Now I haven’t ACTUALLY wished these things yet… but knowing myself and the course of my life, I KNOW that this will be my instinct. To wish away all the hard moments.

So this year, more than EVER, I want to be “PRESENT.”

I want to cherish and be present in every single moment with my baby boy. I want to live in the hard moments. I want to remember the tears I cried. The sleepless nights. The number of times I get peed on. I want to be able to close my eyes one day and remember the sounds he made and his little smile; not look back on this season of life and think “Wow those were the good times and I missed them.”

I’m saying this out loud and sharing this with all of you for accountability. If you ever hear me say “I can’t wait until….” PLEASE STOP ME. Remind me to “BE PRESENT.”

While that is my main objective behind being “PRESENT,” I have also had some bad habits build up in the last 4 months. And these are VERY hard to admit.

Outside of going to work, I haven’t felt good enough to leave my couch. I have fallen victim to excessive screen time. If I wasn’t at work, I was either sleeping or watching TV/on my phone.

This has negatively impacted nearly all areas of my life. I finished the Bible Recap (Bible in a year) in August and I just thought I would do some different devotionals until the new year when I could start a new Bible plan. Well that quickly turned into nothingness. I would be lucky to crack my bible open or even open my bible app more than once every few weeks.

The shows I was watching and just the constant scrolling of social media hardened me to anything at all. I didn’t want to interact with anyone. I didn’t want to leave the house. It was even hard for me to spend time with Graham because I would just want to lay in silence and watch/scroll. I developed a complete separation and bubble around me.

That in turn, as it always does, impacted my thought process’. The fear and anxiety set in. I had apathy towards everything. I almost fell into a depression from my “laziness” because I had never experienced that level of self-pity and desire to do absolutely nothing before.

Thank God for Graham. He in the most loving and subtle way, began to push me to do more. Just one thing at a time. I started to feel some purpose again.

And then a few weeks ago we got to see our baby boy on ultrasound again. Seeing him for that hour lit a fire in me. I knew that he did not deserve this “me” as a mother. And if I went into motherhood without my spiritual life, my marriage, and my relationships all in good places – something would be sure to fail.

So that last 2 weeks, I have already started to work on being “PRESENT.” To turn the TV off and interact with Graham after our long days. To reach out to friends I haven’t talked to. To invest in those around me. And most importantly, to dig into scripture again.

So my goals I have set for this year:

• Complete the Bible Project
  • I am only a few days in but it has been AMAZING… it has really convicted me and pointed out the complete difference it makes in my life when I am in the Word. I am doing it with my sisters to hold me accountable and be able to share reflections with each other as a way to disciple one another.
• Read 4 books outside of the books we read with our Lifegroup
  • This probably seems like nothing to most of you… But I HATE reading. Like absolutely despise it. But I have a stack of books I have been intending to read. I didn’t want to set a goal I didn’t think I could achieve (especially with a baby coming in 4 months). So I made it practical. 1 book every quarter of the year.
  • My intention with this mostly is to get off my screen and read something that will grow me. My first book I started today is call “Life Interrupted” by none other than the great Priscilla Shirer.  
• TITHE
  • This is a big one. Admission time: I have a very unhealthy relationship with money. I could (and have been preparing to) write a whole blog post alone on Tithing because it is something God continually reminds me of (how bad I am with it).
  • I always have an excuse. For the last almost 3 years, we have been a single income family. Then we were trying to buy a house. Then we were remodeling the house. Student loan debt covers me to my ears. Now something always seems to go wrong – household repairs, car repairs, medical bills. BUT I KNOW God doesn’t call us to tithe when we can. I KNOW what the Bible says about tithing. I KNOW the importance. But Satan has such a stronghold on me using money as my security – this is probably my single most difficult battle to face this year.
  • We would tithe here and there over the last few years. We would be really good with it until something came up. BUT this year, our Tithe will be how the Bible calls for it – THE FIRSTFRUITS. Not what is left, but the FIRST of all our earnings. Not just 10%, but sacrificially, with radical generosity to how God is calling us personally to give.
  • I heard a sermon not that long ago that said this line that I will never be able to unhear, “ Tithing should be looked at with the perspective that we get to keep 90% of what God gives us. Not that we have to give 10% away.” WOW. My prayer this year is that I realize that this money is not mine. God has entrusted me with it and what I do with it shows which master I serve.
• Read to and pray over baby boy every night
  • In an effort to be more intentional with our time together as a couple before baby boy comes, Graham and I have allotted time, even if its 5-10 minutes, every night to start reading “Baby’s Bible Stories” to our son and to pray over his sweet life. We want this to be a part of our time as a family when he gets here as well, but never to early to start!

Wow, okay so that turned out MUCH longer than I intended it to be. But I had 6 months of words to catch up on hahahaha!

If you made it this far, I just want to thank you personally for each and every prayer said for me, Graham, and our family over this last year. We appreciate and felt every single one. I am so thankful to have an army of prayer warriors surrounding me in life. Its extremely hard for me to open up about my weaknesses and my downfalls. It hurts worse when you have to admit to everyone the ugly things that are in your heart. But I appreciate a community who loves on me and prays for me. Who holds me accountable instead of judges me.

If you don’t have someone you feel can be that for you, please message me. I would love to hear your goals for this year – or help you set them if you don’t know where to start. I for one am the most imperfect of them all, so let me use my experience and failures to help. For God said, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

With love,

Kenidi